Single Sisters

This is an age old subject for me and I have been asked on several occasions why am I single. I am educated, intelligent, attractive and have so many other positive qualities why haven't someone snatched me up?
There are several reasons, but I must answer a few just so that you can get a better idea of where I am coming from.
Besides being very complex and easily bored,I am pretty laid back And easy going. I enjoy hanging with friends and being a mom to my teenage daughter. Up until the death of her father I pretty much had the best of both worlds. Although we decided we are better as friends and parents as opposed to lovers, we still spent time together and talked to each other on a regular basis, I grew to value our friendship. We were inseparable. So when it came to dating, I really never took anyone that serious, I was too busy comparing and mostly wanting someone who could also just be a friend, but in the midst of all of that, there was good sex and some good times,and that was probably all that person would become to me. I believe that some men believe that if you make a woman cum then you are more than half way to her heart, I must admit for some that is true if you associate "good sex" with love. But if you are a woman like me, you can enjoy the sex and keep it movin'. If a man throws it out there I just might catch it, but don't expect me to fall head over heels with you. I mean an orgasm only last a few minutes, what good are you after that?
I am also what some men call a "nice" girl and some men try to take that for granted. I can spot an impostor from a mile away, my X taught me that. There is no way you can hide your true intentions with me. The best avenue to take is to be honest, and see what happens. If the timing is right, I just may want an sexual relationship or I might be cool with you having other women, just know that you will not be my only source of energy, I too, may indulge in the options that await. One thing I do not indulge in are married men, single husbands are the worse. You're talking to a woman who the only time that she has been dumped was because the guy thought I was using him for sex. (huh?) I have been engaged twice, but just could not do it, I had to be honest. I have no hang-ups when it comes to men, I love them, I enjoy them, and I admire many from a far. Yes,I have heard all the lines, ran across dudes who I have no idea why they would even think that we should hook up. I had men come up and open their wallets as opposed to their mind, but nothing compares to the real thang!
When it comes to the real stuff that make great relationships there are qualities that tend to attract me that stand out when it comes to the man. His level of attractiveness. I smile when I say that because being attractive to me is all in his swag, his confidence, his stroll, there is nothing like looking at a man from afar and noticing how amazing he is. Timing. Timing is so important. Intelligence, laughter and a sense of purpose. Accountable for his life and not blame his misfortunes on anything or anyone. A father to his children (because family is so important to me), a pleasant person to be around and most of all, a man who knows when he has meet a "woman" ENUFF SAID!
Some people think that I require a lot in the material area , although taking care of yourself is essential and being able to take care of woman is necessary, you do not have to have a fortune, you will attain that once I am by your side.:)
So to answer that question, why am I single? It just has not been the right time for me, and I am a patient girl. I do not rush anything, even though at times it feels so good, I want it all at once, I am taking my time and enjoying the ride along the way. Holla!

Sleepless Night

As I am writing this blog I realize how much time I am not spending writing on it. When I wake up in the morning, there are so many other things that are on my mind that I simply forget to do the things that I love to do. I am writing this book, barely it seems, since there is something else that takes up most of my time. (Some of you may know what that is).

As the night ticks along I drift into thoughts of my High School Reunion in a few months. I am excited to see what age has done to some of us...LOL! From the looks of it, it has not been too kind to some. It's funny how some people can be so handsome in high school then look like lerch now. How the fuck does that happen? Life I guess. And of course for some, time has been like a real good friend. I am wondering who will be my date, or if I even want to take one.

There are a few people that I have in mind, and it all depends on what kind of night I want to have. If I want to have a fun, friendly night, I will take one of my attractive guy "friends", who will make me laugh most of the night. If I want to just be low key and relax and enjoy the atmosphere, then I will take one of my "professional gentleman friends". You know the kind that takes care of a woman, but at the moment scared to get into anything too serious. And if I feel like not being bothered, then I will fly solo, that way I do not have to entertain or babysit anyone, and once the night is ova, it's ova! I am not sure, but what I am sure about is that I will have a good time.

I had a fee crushes in high school, but only one love. Even though we have grown up and gone our separate ways, he was the best 1st boyfriend a girl could have,and I can only hope that he is happy with his children and wonderful wife. However, it was not until after him that I began to experience real love. The kind that makes you give like no tomorrow. Love like your life depended on it. It was hard and soft, sweet and sour and at all made sense because we were in love. I have never felt so protected by a man. It was me and him against the world and I loved what he represented and he loved the fact that I was a beautiful, quiet but fierce. I knew my place as his woman, I never needed to play the front, nor was I ever in the back, I was right there beside him, and on any given day if he needed me to step up, I did just that. But he always was the man, and I loved that about him, there was no question about that. That was nothing that needed to be said or made clear, his presence spoke it all. I guess you can say he had major swagger. And as I speak of him right now, I miss him dearly, I know he's watching from heaven, waiting on me.

But until we meet again, I have to continue to live here on earth and take care of the angel of a daughter that was left with me. When I look at her, I understand her, because she is simply a female version of her father. I know there is no man on this planet who could ever compare, but there is one who understands where I am coming from, someone who can get my grip. He definitely has to be a soldier in every way, whether in the board room or in the fields of life, he has to be that man, because I am that woman. And only the true recognize what's true. Not a amateur boxer who's fighting for the title. He already has the title and waiting on his Queen. Here I am...come scoop me up and let's ride......:)

Wondering.....

I used to wonder why people were so concerned about what I do with my life. I often pondered why would anyone care if I date an average joe blow or a man with millions. Since I am not consumed at all with what people do with their life, it all seemed a bit cumbersome for them to be consumed with mine. Then I began to think.

People have expectations. Sometimes a person's expectations have nothing to do with you. I know that because so many have been placed on me. I could have been this, I could have been that. But what people fail to understand is me. I have been placed on such a high pedestal at times, when people must realize that I am a human first, and I do what I want. I was not brought to this earth to please "people", just me.

There is so much more that goes with my life than people know,and I am glad that I was finally able to shut them out. Now I have my own little private heaven. Who cares what people think. I am a very personal and private person and if you are not invited in, you will be left outside the velvet rope....LOL. People who are consumed with another person's life, has nothing going on in their's.

If I were a people pleaser, I would be married to that baller, who was as asshole. Or married to that man who was as weak as a feeble boy. I would have associated myself with people and situations that would have not been conducive to positive behavior. I would be very popular, but very unhappy. I am not one to sit around and indulge in idle chat, that offers no change. I am not the soccer mom, I am a realist and I keep it real with my child. I am not saying that I choose this journey, but this is the journey that has been chosen for me. I am glad that I think with my heart and mind, believe there are better days, and never settle for anything. I see every decision made as a learning experience. You can not tell anyone about anything, if you have not experienced it yourself. God is my captain, so I follow where he leads.

Even though my journey is far from over, I believe that it is not in vain. The tears that I have cried, the sadness I feel for those who are lost in a crowd and in their souls. I will continue to nurture the hope that I carry in me, even on a perfect day. It will all shine through when I think back and be thankful for how far I have come.

So I suggest you all find your happiness and what being alive means to you. Get involved in your own life. There is no job, money, status, or title that can take the place of what you do with your time on earth, especially if you have children. Spread love and not judgement, use your knowledge unselfishly, don't compare yourself to others, if that was the life God intended for you, you would have it, and last but not least, DO YOU! That's where it begans and ends.
Peace and Love Ya'll!

He Loves Me......???????

I have a guy who I consider is one of my best friends. We have known each other for over 20 years and even though we have at some points decided to not speak to each other, we still have remained friends in the time of need.

I have never been attracted to this friend though I love him dearly. There have been some times that I believe that he is in love with me, but the notion of us getting together, is just not something I am intested in, he's just not my type. There have been some things to happen that made me believe that things may be going a little to the left, like once when we went out, a few days later I started receiving these anonymous emails about sex and how much me and this mystery person are a like. Who would do that? Then there are the times that he mentions that we should get together, but laughs it off and says he just playing, he's been "playing" for 20 years.

I've learned over the years to not disclose all of my personal information, he has a tendency to bring up negative things from past relationships and people that I have come across. Even though he has been there for a long time, not all the time, but a long time. I guess any man in his right mind can easily fall in love with an all around girl, I am a great friend and I do not judge. I accept people as they are, and I am incredibly beautiful, educated and irresistible (If I say so myself, wink, wink), so what is there not to love?

My concern is I am thinking of including him in a very personal part of my life. I am not sure if this will intense his feelings for me, or make him obsessive or change towards me. Sometimes men feel like they are entitled to certain things after a certain period of time, I am reconsidering that. I plan on giving the man I care for a permanent position in my life and I want him to be that "everything" me. Maybe I should leave things as is.......until further notice.

Spring

I love the Spring. It is a time of new beginings, fresh starts and getting rid of what's old. I love the fact that my daughter was born in the Spring she gave me a new life. My second daughter will be born in the Summer and she will change my life. I enjoy how the earth naturally gives you and itself what it needs, it's the order of life.

I never thought that after 15 years that I would have another child. I guess somewhere deep I always wanted one, and as you release your thoughts the universe process them into existance. As shocked as I was, I am more than overjoyed. Two girls that will take care of me and each other, spread my love to their children and continue this legacy of love that began with me. For that I am thankful.

I guess you are wondering after all these blogs on singlehood and dating, who could the father be? It is that guy. That long-term guy that I still do not want to marry or get serious with. He's just not worthy. He played his part and here is where the scene closes. Some say so he was good enough to sleep with, have a baby, but not to marry or be with? Yes, he was good at what he did, but light weight in the brain. Superficial on every level, a fun 5 year romp! What else can I say, but be honest with him, you can't turn a lame into a man, and that's that.

Am I worried about finding someone to be with on the long term or committment level? Nah, that area has never been a problem for me, it's just a matter of choosing who will fit that area of my life and be great for my children. My children are the most important aspect of my life. Besides, I am a good girl, (except when I go bad) and there are positive men in my life that are dear and close friends who would make great father figures, uncles and god-fathers, no worries here. The birth of my daughter will just make me more careful about my choices. Take a good look a the whole package as opposed to a part of it. (Even though it may be the part I enjoy the most:).

Smooches

ForGiiiiiveness

Is it really true what they say about forgiveness?
That in order to move on from past hurts you have to learn how to forgive the people or person that caused you the hurt. But what if that person never acknowledges they anything wrong? Living in a sea of denial, or in perpetual jealousy they they don't even remember what comes out of their mouth, so ignorant and emotionally deprived that they know not what they do? All they know is to strike and belittle. Do you become the bigger person and forgive anyway?

The answer to that is yes. Forgiveness can be a long hard road. If you do not the resentment, hate or whatever has you feeling this content, can rob and steal your power. It can set you back to that moment of time that caused the pain over and over again. In order to be free you have to release the pain, let go, empower your self and recognize people in their true form and deal with them accordingly.
I do not think it's the same as turning the other cheek. It is making a decision to not let someone else's lack of compassion become your fault. It's making a decision that, yes, you hurt me, but you do not own me! You will not dictate the way I live my life. I will thrive, live and continue to love those that deserve it and those give with a kind heart, are sincere and has with a true interest in your happiness. Know the real from the imposter's. Believe me folks, they do exist.

I can tell you about a few self righteous people in my life and those that have past through that thought they had all the answers when they had none. Hungry for validation from so many outside sources, when their insides were torn and infested with insecurities. So in turn they tried to invalidate me. And yes at times I was hurt in the process, but I was not broken. There is a higher power that lives in me, that I did not just meet, it's been there since I was a child. So my power came from that and I overcame, I forgave and I moved on.

I am not sure how those people sleep at night, or even it they do for that matter, because their souls never rest. They try to find answers in overeating, alcohol, popping pills or whatever else that does not allow them to recognize how shitty they really are. Hiding behind empty titles, behind a desk, fighting for a empty cause. It's a sad way to be.

My advice is to not let those that dish out hate and disparity become your weight. Those that have caused you pain, let them be, forgive, but never forget what has made you stronger. Rise above what is being thrown and become more than expected. Those same people who do not recognize how fucked up they are, will still be in the same place, alone in a crowded room, with their minds to remind them of who they really are.

Peace & Love Ya'll

Love & Happiness

As I replay Love & Happiness by Al Green in my mind, I can remember when my mom and her sisters used to blast that song so loud that they thought they were in concert. They would sing the words as if they wrote them, "Love will make you do right, Love will make you do wrong"...Those were the words that echoed throughout my grandmother's house in the swamps of Mississippi. It was my first introduction to what love could be, what it was, what it could do, and who was lovin' who.

Along with Al Green, was Marvin Gaye, Aretha Franklin, Lenny Williams and many other great true R & B artists that expressed the sound of love. Love meant something and if you had experienced it in any kind of way, you could feel every word. If you were not taking care of your woman it was guaranteed that someone else would. If you were out cheatin', or involved in a love/Hate relationship, then you were guaranteed to eventually meet your maker; either be by hot grits or a hot bullet. Marraige meant 'til death do us part". Love was serious, you stayed not strayed.

When I think of the love relationships of now compared to the relationships of then. There is simply no comparison. I am not sure what has the divorce rate so high, Could it be marrying for the wrong reasons? No real committment? She looked good, but couldn't cook? He was good in bed, but bad as a father or friend? Heavy in the pockets, but light weight in the brains? I don't know. Someone said that now that number seems to be going down. I say, who leaves during an economic crisis? It's cheaper to keep her. Ever hear of the couple who are divorced but are forced to live with each other because of financial reasons? How many of us are staying in a marraige for that same reason?

The love songs are even not as strong or as meaningful as they used to. You have the Neo's, damn, I can't even think of anyone else. I am sure they are out there and it is probably what my daughter is listening to. I am glad I am raising her to know the difference between what is real and what is not. Which is why I also introduce her to Jill Scott, Raheem Devine, Amy Winehouse, Laila Hathaway, Dwele, Kem, The Brand New Heavies and new artist Anthony David. Those are just a few artist that represent real love. They make music you can feel and appreciate. Music that takes me almost back to my grandmother's house. I say almost because there is nothing like soul music, old blues that is heard among friends who can relate. Music that makes you move and shake 'em, make love all night, then breakfast lunch and dinner. You never want to leave the rhythm that the music of love creates.